The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
Ive been here for 8 hours, I cant stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow Ive got thirty five people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, Ive got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
Theres a knock at the door and the telephones ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumb.
Ive had all I can stand, I cant take any more.
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles, The egg nog is ready!
He looks all around and with little respect,
says, Whats taking so long..Arent you through in there yet?
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
I scratch his left earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
and screams, MY GOD WOMAN, YOURE GOING INSANE!!
Now what was I doing and what is that smell?
Oh darn its the pies! Theyre burning I yell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, just shoot me instead.
Lord, dont get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
But I promise one thing, if I live til next year,
you wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
Ill hire a maid, a cook and a waiter;
and if that doesnt work Ill have it all catered.