Men vs Women
After years of studying the relationship between the two aforementioned sexes, I have come to the conclusion that there are underlying differences between men and women which should be understood. Once digested, the entire meaning of life will become more obvious.
Hats: Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
Comedy: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i"s with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p"s and "g"s. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smile face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms: A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Magazines: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Jewellery: Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone: Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours
Admitting Mistakes: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer
Offspring: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house
Dressing up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will dress up for the following: weddings, funerals.
Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside-out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
Plants: A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Nicknames: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.