Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.
 
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?"
 
I don't do drugs anymore.
I get the same effect just standing up fast.
 
I have my own little world. But it's OK.
They know me here.
  
I don't approve of political jokes.
I've seen too many of them get elected.
  
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect;
therefore I am perfect.
 
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
 
How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?
 
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
 

(Art Drysdale sent these along)